I got my first warning this morning from Beeminder - ‘You’re in the red! BARE MIN of +1 to be on the red line’.

To be honest, I expected this a lot sooner. I didn’t think I’d be on month five of the project and escape the red for so long.

I have plenty to argue in my defence. January is the second hardest month of the year for me, work is ramping up, finally got my ADHD/Autism report document back, etc. But a deal’s a deal, and I need to hold up my end of the bargain.

Immediately my impulse was to just take the hit. It’s $5, I’ve got enough reasons to justify my failure to myself, and I can just take the hit and carry on. Needless to say, that impulse didn’t last very long.

Then it shifted to the impulse to just write anything. With the absence of analytics, I can’t tell if anyone’s really reading this or not but my money is not, so it’s not like I have any real social pressure here. I could post lorem ipsum for 500 words and technically call it a day. But I would know, and that’s enough for me.

That then invites the question of the sliding scale; where on the line is good enough? How much effort is required to satisfy my internal approval?

Well, first it has to be actually relevant to the previously set rules of the project. For example, writing around the pressure of deadlines…

Secondly, I actually have to write them. No copy paste, no recycling of previous posts, no end of the season clip show. Sit down at my MacBook during my conveniently timed team meeting on Teams, and put fingers to keyboards.

Because this is the whole point of the project. This is the aspect of my hobby pursuits that I historically struggle; I set the goal, and then make excuses for my failure to stick to it. So if I have the deadline of 14 hours from now and can write x amount of words about struggling to meet the deadline, do it.

It’s good enough. Not perfect, not even A grade. Good enough.

Fortunately, I do have some snippets I’ve been keeping for a rainy day. Just a couple of verses I’ve been working on. No, this doesn’t count as a clip show. Yes, I’m comfortable with that.

This one came about around half 11 at night, silently playing guitar and being transported 20 years ago to practicing before bed.

Slipping in space All of my as one Running the same race But we’ve already won Hands collide With the sounds inside Times up The song is done

It still feels hollow. The problem I think is I’m trying to put words to feelings I’m struggling to describe. This is one that needs a lot more work but I’m keen for it to turn into a song.

There’s a world out there And it’s terrifying Everybody laid out bare And it’s freeing No shadows to hide in No silence to shield your words Light fills needles Straight to the vein

This one was on a short trip down memory lane, thinking about how the internet was versus now. I’m getting more and more anxious as time goes on about how almost unbearably bright it is, and not only is there almost nowhere to hide but no-one seems to want to anymore, which is both amazing and terrifying.

Of course, the hypocrisy isn’t lost on me. I shove that needle in just as much as anyone, and I still want more.